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Grief is weird.

Described as intense sorrow, caused by someone’s death, and then there is mourning which is the expression of sorrow for someone’s death. These words are used interchangeably. In my language, I think we use one word “ukuzila”.

Many cultures have defined processes and rituals to express mourning or grieving but in the end, it is a personal experience. A roller coaster of emotions of navigating denial and acceptance. Sadness can easily switch to guilt, regret…and even anger in certain instances.

There is always a temptation to recommend coping tools and expectations, as a natural way of showing that we care.

Yet, we are not privy to what goes on in the mind of the one grieving.

From my own experience, it was different with each person, and I guess it depended on the proximity of the relationship. I found myself moving from guilt, helplessness, wanting sympathy but also not wanting it … back to what if?? And … that’s bad … very bad.

If there’s one thing I can boldly say to a grieving person is “be careful of what ifs” and let them figure it out.

With my mother it was a horrible experience- no words can explain it. My victim trigger was on steroids, I mean a bust geyser suddenly felt like it was because I don’t have a mother…I laugh at that incident. I was so paralysed in my thinking that clothes and floors were almost rotten before I came to my senses, instead of calling insurance …jah neh?. I tell you grief is not an innocent feeling – & that’s my take.

It took me nine months to feel normal.

I can recall that day like it was yesterday. I spoke to myself and said “Oh I’m back” and that huge sigh of relief enveloped me as though literally – there was a lifting- I guess of the burden. Wheww!

After that and even to date I can talk about her without that lump, fondly, appreciative of all that she was … nje! No guilt, no “what ifs” … beautiful thoughts are coming to mind as I write.

Oh, how weird I found it to be – to mourn a sibling.

I don’t know if it was just me feeling sorry for myself. But I don’t think any consideration and I don’t know what kind of consideration should be given to the surviving siblings. I felt like I was on my own grieving my brother back in 2002. It’s a weird feeling for me some sort of lonesomeness; alone or lonely I don’t know what’s the difference in this context. We were close and he was that kind of a brother that you know that you know – he’s got your back. There was an unexplainable confidence just knowing that he was there for me without asking for anything or reporting anything, and I can comfortably say he was like that towards the entire family.

Of course, he laughed at most of my ‘rants’ on a few occasions when I shared something bothering me. And later he would enquire ‘So how did that go?’  To which I would say “mxm…you want to laugh at my expense again?”. And that would settle it. I think he was a good listener with his unique humour.

Anyway, you must be wondering what am I on about.

We just came from a hard week of laying to rest my sister-in-law. By the standards of ‘grieving’ or mourning that are out there even my own experiences, I am must admit that I am confused by how I’m feeling or should be feeling. Perhaps reality hasn’t hit as we like to say and I don’t want to disturb this peace. Perhaps it’s because I’m still recovering from physical and mental exhaustion.

You see the whole ordeal was quite so spectacular in the sense that it happened in the midst of many other traumatic life-threatening illnesses involving 3 other family members over a space of 6 weeks. Continuously we were on tenterhooks. Every conversation had to start with “How is so and so?”  Perhaps this Big Bang kind of settles the dust as though OK maybe that’s where it was headed..andazi nam.

Kuzobonakala …. only God knows. His thoughts and ways are higher than ours.

The community of believers, friends, and family came in numbers, with kind words of wisdom, celebrating the life of a servant and kind-hearted soul. My sister was dedicated to her calling as an educator, displaying the fruit of kindness and patience. From the many words that were shared, I was reminded by one speaker that “We live to die”. That made a lot of sense to me. Back in the time of my mom’s grieving process somebody said something about writing my thoughts down even if I woke up in the middle of the night with those crazy thoughts that brought anxiety at the best of times, and that was a gift to me. Instead of calling people in the wee hours (thank God no one answered – because what was I gonna say?). That is why I am writing now. I have a wandering mind and writing about anything that intrigues my imagination, helps me process stuff better.

Consoling scriptures that should make sense were shared…but grief doesn’t care about all that until you reach a certain level of acceptance, which is a journey on its own. But faith in the living God makes sense to me – I take solace from many scriptures including the below. Maybe they will help someone in a new way as they are to me.

The idea of eternal bodies that don’t grow weary, free from groans and sighs is appealing to my entire being. “So we are always confident that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord” — 2 Corinthians 5:1

2 Corinthians 4 & 5, (in particular): 16-18 NLT — “[16] That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. [17] For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! [18] So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever”.

Not forgetting this obligation to be well pleasing to the Lord whilst here on earth:

2 Corinthians 5: 9 -10 — 9] Therefore we make it our aim, whether present or absent, to be well pleasing to Him. 10] For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad.

Peace be with my family!

 

#grief #acceptence #loss